couldnt get to sleep.

and it struck me once more, then i cant be callling u anymore.

and yes i felt like giving u a call today after my lecture.

the prof talked bout quantifying relationships, about whether having a reason to love someone would then mean u ahve quantified ur love.

and at tht instant, i felt like i hadta call u, i hadta ask u, why did u love me?

whilst contemplating it on the bus ride home, i actually got a little excited and happy (probably due to amounting stress levels), and for that moment, just that moment, i thought, if i told u yes i still loved u, i really do, it will all be ok again.

but i didnt call, i probably cldnt and shldnt.

its funny how ure back, and i actually can call u anytime i want, but now i cant again, not because i cant.

but i promised myself, i promised u, this time i wont hold u back, i wont tug on ur shirt, and pull u back to me, and force u to stay in anything u dont want to, i cant make u more unhappy again.

and so i read ur note again, remember, the first one u ever gave me. i saw ur simple happyish silliness in the note, the thing that attracted me so much, that made me feel like it was a love so simple, that, it could last. i remember wondering how was i to reply cause u made a statement u din give me a question. haha. the magical thing was i remember the song my mp3 was playing as i sat on the bus and opened ur crane-ey note as u called and told me to. Back at One. and i broke down, cause i realised what we are now.

at the stage where,

you cant see the best in me anymore. and i cant put down the desires and fantasies of love and romance.

and we'll probably never get back to one, with ur frustration and tiredness, with my insensitivities and what i should or should not have said/done/felt.

i wish u knew i never meant to harm u with my words, i never meant to pressurise u, i never meant to make u feel like u werent enough. but mayb i did, because wad i said and did, and im sorry. im sorry we ended with such stony silence, im sorry i left the car without telling u the last "i love you", im sorry i din gatherenough courage to give u a last hug, and outta all these sorrys are regrets. i regret not considerin ur emotions and telling u wadeva was on my mind without considerations, i regret not telling u the last "i love you", i regret not holding onto ur hand longer even if u din want me to, i regret not hugging u so i can at least remember the warmth, i regret not being able to be there for u now when u havta make choices and decisions and fulfil tasks, though mayb me not being there would be less of a strain on u, i regret not having a last dinner with u, i regret not being able to have my kids names as i planned them out to be, i regret not doing all the these we both said we would, packing my room, going on a trip, just mere doing things together, and now that when we can actually accomplish all tht when ure back, its all gone again, and i regret lastly that i lost u when i had u back, near me.

no ones at fault. mayb in the midst of it all. we lost. we lost the very first reason we loved.

i will remember, the nerds, the wine chocolates, the crane, the BK breakfast i missed, our passion fruit red tea mornings, the piglet, the ballerina stand, the flik-flak, the wait at ten for ur phonecall moments, the complete-my-work-early-cause-ure-coming-home days, the failed picnic turned maggi mee day, kovan laksa and meepok, the deals to stop me from excessive shopping, the suppers, the newton dinners, the drive-through macs, ur face when u sing and drive, ur little dance on the steps, the way u laugh, the times i try ta hug ur waist, the times i can rub ur tummy, the little kisses u shower on me and the smell of ure sleeve.

and i guess its the last time and chance for me to say this

thank you baby, i love u.